We released him into the wild and when he looked back to see if we were still there,  my heart shattered into a million pieces. My husband gave the order with a serious nod, a sign to go after him. It was the day that we drove our son to the airport to begin his new life 100% on his own. He was dressed to the nine’s with his full length cashmere caramel coat, black fitted turtle-neck and European cut pants- his self proclaimed James Bond villain outfit. The mood was tense and the clouds begin to form, blocking out the warmth of the sun on that bitterly cold winter day. It was the beginning of the end of an era. It had been 22 years in the making and now it felt that it would take 22 years to recover from what I felt was being lost.

 

As I followed him into the airport, he looked up from the check in line and gave me a knowing smile. He realized that I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. I needed a few more minutes for my mind to process this enormous change of life. At 6’2- almost a half of a foot taller, he looked down at me and gave me the sweetest, tightest hug and then released  me with a gentle look in his eyes that reminded me of his quiet strength. My son was the sun in my galaxy and I wasn’t sure how to thrive without him. I knew that my role in his life was changing and I could not have anticipated the depth of loss that his absence from my everyday life would bring.

 

As we drove home in silence, the temperature outside had  fallen and my heart was growing colder mile by mile. Upon arriving home, I dragged myself into the house and immediately took to my bed trying desperately to fall asleep and wake up later hoping this was just a dream. For the last year, we spent nearly everyday together being holed up in the house due to the global pandemic. His last semester of his senior year of college was cut short and he had to return home to the safety of the nest. We have always been close, but the pandemic brought us even closer with walks every night in the neighborhood, a set dinner time of 6pm that my son implemented- for a sense of normalcy and consistency- during that uncertain time, and a curated viewing experience that he carefully crafted for my husband and I to be introduced to his world of watching anime.

 

In many ways, he isn’t just my “SUN”, he is one of my closest friends in the world. As my children get older, I realize that they are not only my children, but they are amazing souls with beautiful spirits that shine bright as the stars in the night sky. Our deep conversations about life, space, politics, religion, spirituality on the back patio at dusk would be reduced to conversations over the phone squeezed in between juggling a career, friends, and the harsh realities of living out there in the wild on his own. This mama lioness poured so much of my heart and soul into my children. I am the Earth, they are my Sun, and the rest is our Galaxy. They were the reason that I was able to get out of bed and keep going on my darkest days. The reason that I thrived through the pandemic instead of withering up like leaves on the trees when winter comes.

 

A year and three months later from that fateful day, I realize that all the seasons of life are necessary for our greatest good which is Growth. You don’t grow from things remaining stagnant- you grow from change. “In the moments of darkness, let us remember that we are seeds, and God has not buried us but instead planted us to sprout and grow.” Since that time, I have grown exponentially and have seen the power of turning my pain into my passion through writing. “What is your gift, he asked…she replied, I turned my pain into power, my sadness into strength, and my wounds into wisdom.” As much as I miss my son in my everyday life, I know that I have equipped him with all the tools necessary to be successful on his own. Winter will surely come just as the “Earth” revolves around the “Son”, but eventually spring will arrive and the seeds that we planted will bloom. Remember that even during the coldest winter ever, you can still feel the SUN.

 

Speaking Frankly,

Janay Durand Frank