As this momentous year comes to an end, I’m beginning to reflect more and more on the effects it has had on me and the ones I love. That coupled with the holidays being here is a lot to unpack. The holidays can bring a sense of dread instead of joy and cheer. Does everyone have to be happy about the holidays? Why is it that this time of year often brings such anxiety and angst? I believe that it’s the expectations that are tied to the holidays that cause all of this unease. We are flooded with images in the media about what the perfect Christmas should look like, we spend enormous amounts of money on useless material items, and we look to the new year to erase all the damages that we have incurred. All of these things added with mental health issues can truly take people out. The holidays and their expectations can exacerbate your depression, loneliness, and now in this era of Covid- fears of isolation. Hindsight being 2020, many things have been made clear- pun intended. The clarity of these things I choose to call “lessons” have made the year 2020 the ultimate teacher.

There’s a quote that I love, it resonates with me every time I read it, because it fits so many situations and circumstances that I have found myself in- particularly in 2020…the quote says “I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief.” You think that you’re angry with people and life, but instead you’re grieving for what was or what could have been. You’re angry with yourself for the boundaries you didn’t establish and the repeated violations of your rules that you allowed. Angry for the lack of control over your life. Anger feels powerful, but to admit that you’re sad and hurting is to be open and vulnerable. The losses that we all have incurred in 2020 are unfathomable. One month, I bought sympathy cards in bulk and actually used them all. From the loss of lives to the loss of our children not being able to walk for their graduations, the loss of no proms, not seeing loved ones and on and on- life as we knew it had forever changed. We realized that we too had changed and couldn’t possibly be the same people moving forward.

The revelations of people and their dark hearts being exposed by the injustices we witnessed on TV. The revolution, in fact, was televised and America and the world watched on in horror. There was such a sadness in my heart that my children had to witness atrocities that I myself was shielded from and I grew up in the 80’s and came of age in the 90’s. The weight of all this collateral damage was beginning to chip away at my spirit and my anger only grew like an ember that escapes the fireplace and ignites on the rug- quickly engulfing the room with flames. However, life continued on and I needed a way to express how I was feeling in a constructive manner.

I started this blog in September and it served as a pleasant distraction from the petty squabbles that the world seemed to be entangled with and I was able to find some peace. As the holiday season began with Halloween and then Thanksgiving, some of that weight had been lifted and a new hope entered my world again. Despite this time not being my favorite, by the end of November, I had already put up Christmas decorations and it brought a sense of joy and light that nearly had been extinguished. The Christmas lights served as a way to trick my senses into lighting up. However, as the weeks have gone by in December, I can’t seem to shake this feeling of melancholy. I’m not sure if it’s being caused by the realization that so many people will be without their loved ones this holiday season and/or the fact that so many people aren’t financially as stable and sound to provide their children with the” spoils of war.”

As Oprah often says, “What I do know for sure…” is that during this holiday season and after the year we have all had in 2020- it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel the need to speak to a therapist and seek professional help and counseling. It’s ok to create boundaries with friends and family to protect our peace of mind. It’s ok to not like the holidays and feel like “Grinches”. The fact of the matter is, you feel how you feel and it is- what it is! Do not receive the weight of other people’s expectations. “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectations.” Be gentle and kind to others, but more importantly to yourself. There are so many emotions to process and sift through. The important thing is to not try and escape those negative emotions, but like that quote…..sit with them, feel them, and hopefully let them pass on through. After all, it seems like that damn Grinch not only tried to steal Christmas, but the whole entire year of 2020.

Speaking Frankly,

Janay Durand Frank