Do people marry for love or is it because it’s a societal norm after a certain age? Or to take it one step further, do they marry because they want to have children and/or is it more for mutual support rather than love? As we evolve in society and our roles as women and men- it stands to reason that what we want out of relationships have changed- or have they? My mom use to always say to me growing up- “You can do bad by yourself.” I took this to mean that there’s no reason to have constant struggles of any nature with the opposite sex. No one is perfect, but you certainly don’t need to add drama to the equation unnecessarily. If I am going to commit to someone, it will be because they bring more to the table than they take away. I believe that we as a whole shouldn’t be looking for our “other halves” ; instead we should strive to recognize the wholeness in ourselves and look to find a mate that compliments and adds value to our lives.

It has been stated that men biologically are attracted to youth, beauty, fertility, and the “cookie”- if you know what I mean. In ancient times, haha…they could secure the “cookie” by “buying the cow.” In addition, they were drawn to feminine characteristics in women that displayed the ability to reproduce, as to spread their seed and ensure the viability of their offspring. Conversely, women were biologically designed to seek out mates that could provide and protect for themselves and their offspring. This goes back to the saying, “You can do bad by yourself.” Who wants a man to marry if he cannot provide or protect. Now, there are many exceptions to these rules, but as a whole I would say that we as women and men really haven’t evolved all that much over the millennium. As much as things change- some things remain the same.

Women’s roles, however, have changed in the workplace and as a result this has changed the dynamics of what we will and will not tolerate. At the end of the day, if you are making a decent wage and can provide for yourself and children- clearly you are not solely concerned with finding a man to provide for you financially. Every little bit helps, but that is not the number one priority for you choosing a mate. As for the men, if they in the past were only marrying out of societal pressure and the desire to “buy the cow” so that they can always have milk at their disposal is also a moot point nowadays. With “milk” being poured so easily without a relationship or long term commitment- what’s the drive to rush down the aisle for men?

I saw a quote the other day that said, “Love didn’t hurt you- someone who doesn’t know how to love you hurt you. Don’t confuse the two.” I feel that so many people are searching for love outside of themselves. There is so much fear around giving yourself completely to another person. Of course, romantic relationships and- “marriage can be a source of joy, love, and mutual support, but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same” – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I believe that it is time to facilitate a paradigm shift pertaining to relationships and marriage. We need to teach our girls and boys from a young age to aspire to making themselves the best people they can be and not look to others to fill voids and gaps that childhood traumas and poor parental programming has created. Love has never been the problem- it’s our reasoning behind wanting to marry that presents false narratives and unrealistic expectations.

I don’t espouse to being a feminist nor a traditionalist when it comes to the roles of women and men. I am a free thinker who in my own romantic relationships and my marriage has attempted to combine a bit of both ways of thinking. There are biological factors pertaining to the nature of women and men that I don’t think human beings will ever fully escape. Fortunately, we have evolved in our thinking, but what is critical is that we also evolve in our actions towards one another. There’s a quote that states, “Evolve or repeat.” As I learn to love myself more deeply ever day, it becomes more clear as to who doesn’t feel that same way about me. So try to not focus on finding that perfect soul mate out there- I’m sorry to tell you that they don’t exist. What is possible is to love yourself so completely that you can’t help but to attract the right mate that will add value and not come expecting you to be a healer and fixer of damaged goods. So, what’s love got to do with it….self love is everything!

Speaking Frankly,

Janay Durand Frank