As the words left her mouth the friendship that we had known for decades could never be the same. I felt numb and devoid of emotion as my mind grappled to comprehend the syllables that dropped from her red wine stained lips like black rain. The old adage says that, “a drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” As she continued her rampage using words as her weapon of choice with reckless abandon- I couldn’t help but feel in that moment that I never truly knew her. The person sitting directly across from me had been holding a dark secret that had the power to destroy friendships forever. The truth definitely hurts, but does it always set us free?

Almost 6 months later, I’m still reeling from what was revealed to me that dark night. I always thought I was the type of person who wanted to know the whole truth at any cost, but I must admit that the cost of that knowledge may have been too high. There are some situations that we as human beings simply can not come back from or if we do- we are not the same carefree and joyful people we once were. The weight of certain knowledge has such force and gravity that the light in our hearts can no longer escape. The truth is like a black hole where the light is trapped and begins to dim-eventually extinguishing forever.

Often times when people have heavy information that is sitting on their heart- they reveal it for selfish reasons. They could have told you years prior, but waited out of fear, greed, envy, and/or due to other diabolical machinations. In my opinion, this revelation was not for altruistic reasons; thus making it that much more painful. You can give some people the world and they cannot see the forest for the trees. When trust is breached in a friendship a hideous cancer enters into that sacred space that many times can’t be fully cured. It’s always lingering in your cells waiting to be triggered over and over again.

I’ve had to come to grips with the truth of how things really are and not what I thought they were. I must admit that even the most tamed ego can go spiraling into an abyss of “what if’s” and “why me’s.” The solace I find in this madness is that the truth has literally set me free from the “friendships” who clearly were my foes. I have come to know many faces of betrayal and although it has hardened my heart- it has softened my spirit to have more compassion, empathy, and gratitude for the friends in my life who may be flawed as I, but who are solid and hold no ill will or secrets against me. There is nothing worse than to be despised with smiling eyes. I’m beginning to look at Life as my teacher and not a force that works against me. “You’re gonna be happy, said life, “but first I’ll make you strong.”

As time continues to help me heal from this wound- I’m starting to realize that things aren’t randomly happening to us. I’m realizing that life unfolds for us. Everything no matter how good or bad- it all is happening for our greatest good. It is in these dark moments that we learn our greatest lessons. Had I not had the heartbreaks I’ve endured over the years with friends- I wouldn’t be in the space I am now to help people navigate the troubled waters in their lives. I once read that we mature with the damage, not the years. If not for the damage- I wouldn’t have matured with wisdom over these years. Sometimes you have to make a choice that may break your heart, but it will give your soul peace. The truth may not always be kind, but if you allow it to just BE you will eventually find respite in its resolute and unwavering finite nature. The irony of it all is that the truth did have the power to set me infinitely free.

Speaking Frankly,

Janay Durand Frank