How wonderful it is to have something to love, but how extraordinary it is to be able to share the thing you love with another. This summer the Shawshank Redemption was on for the umpteenth time and I felt compelled to view it once again. I called upstairs to my son to watch it with me. Much to his chagrin, he plodded down the stairs and landed next to me. What he thought would be just an ordinary night turned into a magical moment watching something that touched a place deep within us. There’s something profound about this movie that defies generational limitations, because the message is universal. It speaks to the power of resilience, hope, forgiveness and the effects of time and pressure. The greatest of these things, for me, is hope.
Reflecting on my life lately- the theme that keeps recurring in my mind are the quality of my relationships with family, friends, and even associates. I keep hoping for other people to change, but have finally realized that I must change myself and how I deal with them. One thing for sure is that ,in life, all of these relationships will be tested. The key is deciding who is worthy of your time and access and knowing when the relationship is no longer serving you. In the past, I was quick to cut people at the knee forever, as I get older- I’m more forgiving, but also more selective in who can access me. Everyone doesn’t deserve entry to the VIP room. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if the price to access you is extremely high- from there- people will weed themselves out. Make sure that access is earned. When love is no longer being served at the table- deny that access accordingly.
With limited access will come people’s judgment. You need not explain your decision to move on and/or keep people at bay. They may say you’ve changed or even try to slander and defame you. Anthony Hopkins once said, “What other people say about me is none of my business.” It’s a freeing thing when you no longer care what people think. I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m about 80% there on good days. Regardless, people will make their assumptions and have their perceptions of who you are -despite facts based in reality. I’m a believer in the 3 F’s. If you’re not feeding me, financing me, and/or “finessing” me- your opinion of me doesn’t matter. What matters is what you think about yourself and time has a way of revealing people’s true intentions.

Eventually, people will show you who they are and like Maya Angelou’s said “…. believe them.” In the movie Shawshank Redemption Andy Dufresne told his beloved friend Red- all you need in life are time and pressure. Andy’s hobby was collecting rocks and he loved geology and understood the significance of time and pressure relating to them. He literally was speaking of digging the hole that would one day serve as his escape to freedom. But, it also was a metaphor for all the time he spent in prison- being forged by fire- that created a new and better version of himself. Years and years of living under duress could have hardened his heart and broken him, but instead it transformed and strengthened him into a precious gem. The day he was released from solitary confinement was the moment that he internally knew that he would do everything in his power to escape and eventually live the life of his dreams. Despite his condition of captivity- he refused to allow his outer circumstances to dictate his inner world. He said there’s something deep within us all that no one can touch and that thing is hope.
In our relationships, it’s the tumultuous times that can either break us or strengthen us. We all will have bouts of chaos, confusion, and even confinement on some level. Through these tough times, failed expectations, and judgements- we can either allow ourselves to be imprisoned or we can use these lessons to live the lives we are destined for and be free. Like Andy and Red- life’s path won’t always be easy, but through discernment, time, and pressure- the true friends in our lives will be revealed. The shackles of fear and judgment can be broken. I hope you use your difficult life lessons to create something beautiful. I hope you escape toxic people or at least limit their access to you. I hope you lay down the weight of other people’s judgments. I hope you can forgive yourself and others for the sake of your own healing. I hope you always surround yourself with love and like Andy Dufresne – I simply just HOPE.
Speaking Frankly,
Janay Durand Frank